I came to Los Angeles for the first time in two years, with such great anxiety and fear. But isn’t that life itself? Constantly facing your fear. Most people with OCD or Asperger’s syndrome wouldn’t do this like me. Am I trying to be strong? Why should I attend this conference? Simply put, I want to succeed and overcome my fear. Of course, there must be better and nobler reasons, but that’s my current motivation for life.
”The second reason I’m here is that I still have something on my mind. Since childhood, I have always wanted to live in Hollywood. Enjoy the halo of a celebrity. When I was in college, I studied film. The first time I came to this city was in 1988. At that time, I was still a small and skinny young man who nobody paid attention to. My goal at that time was to leave a trace of myself in the film industry.
Some of you have already watched my movie. My first experience at that time was simply terrible. I just didn’t have the psychological preparation to deal with this city. Or more precisely, at that time, it was difficult for me to deal with any city life. My treatment had not yet improved. I had no friends, didn’t want to socialize, and often got angry.
In the blink of an eye, 26 years have passed. I made my movie. I found a very professional therapist. I also have some savings in the bank. I have family, friends, and a strong support system. My psychological coping ability is also becoming stronger day by day.
So, how did you feel about coming to Los Angeles this time?
”In the past few days in Los Angeles, there have been both good and bad things. I am here to attend the National Conference of the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Foundation. This is my first time speaking at such a meeting. To be frank, my speech last Friday was quite good. I also participated in group discussions with therapists, psychiatrists, and individuals with obsessive-compulsive disorder. The purpose of this discussion is to enable timely communication and coordination between psychiatrists and psychotherapists who prescribe medication. This is extremely important: remember when I forgot to tell the therapist about changing medication, my mind quickly began to have some very strange Satanic theories. This kind of compulsive thinking makes me repeatedly ponder which people in the world are working for the devil – do you think such compulsive thinking is absurd?
During the meeting, I also took some time to visit my sister and brother-in-law. We had lunch together at a well-known restaurant near Beverly Hills. It can be said that the social activities these past few days were enjoyable. You wouldn’t even believe that I really have Asperger’s syndrome.
”But what happened in the evening surprised me a bit. I went to participate in the ‘Stationery Knife Stroll’ experiment with all the attendees. The organizer of this event is Mr. Grayson, who is a master in the field of exposure and response prevention therapy. Here is a brief explanation of what exposure and response prevention therapy is. Simply put, this method is to expose you to fearful situations related to obsessive-compulsive disorder. He made you face that kind of anxiety (but at a level that you can handle). So you will become accustomed to having that kind of thought or feeling. For example, because I have a compulsive mindset of harming others, in this experiment, I have to hold a toy knife and walk through the crowd. Other participants in the crowd would intentionally scream loudly, simulating the pain of being stabbed with a knife by me.
In the evening of that day, about a hundred people participated in this activity. If it were a year or two ago, it would have brought me great pressure. Holding a knife, I would have been very afraid of not being able to control myself. But in January of this year, my therapist and I had already done this type of exposure exercise. At that time, I even held a knife and pressed it against his neck. In this way, I exposed myself to that terrible idea, but at the same time, I saw that I had the ability to do it: not take any action on this idea.
”In the evening, under Mr. Grayson’s organization, we conducted the same experiment. This time, because I didn’t have any anxiety at all, at most I complained a few words or made some painful expressions on my face. The reason for registering for this activity is that I want to socialize with others, which is a plan that I and my therapist have developed.
An unexpected experience occurred after the exposure practice – all of a sudden, my mood sank and I closed myself off, which seemed a bit different from what people of my age should be like. Basically, I walked the rest of the way alone and didn’t want to talk to anyone. Of course, I might have been very tired all day.
”But that’s not all the reason. When I returned to the hotel, I realized the real reason: I don’t want to be someone with mental illness, I want to be someone better than everyone present. But this is my real problem, I cannot accept people as they are; Most of the time, I don’t want to accept myself as I am now.
This is also one of the reasons why I am doing mindfulness training. Mindfulness meditation originates from ancient Buddhist thought. It teaches you to live in the present moment as much as possible. If I were more proficient in this practice, I would sincerely accept all the campers who participate in the evening activity, who are just like me, hardworking beings.
”Unfortunately, I was attracted to Los Angeles, which is a big arena for fame and fortune. It’s really too difficult to be willing to be an ordinary person and unknown here. This was my frustration at the time. In fact, in order to change this mindset, I have been working hard with my therapist: our work is not based on saying that I want to become a celebrity, wealthy person, or popular person. His starting point is for me to learn to like myself and others: to be truthful, to accept them as they are, and to like them.
Accepting these two words is difficult for me. It means giving up my childhood dream of wanting everyone to like me and everyone to revolve around me. I know this is an unrealistic fantasy.
”But perhaps this is where the charm of Hollywood lies, it’s a world filled with fantasies.
Anyway, I’ve been here for six days now and have gone through a lot, including social interactions, speeches, and last night’s event. The meeting will end tomorrow. I’m going back to my own life. I’m very different now from 25 years ago. At that time, I wasn’t mentally ready to face the world. According to my therapist, everything I’m going through now is a perfect storm.
”Tomorrow I will be driving back to the airport, although I always have that compulsive worry about accidents and getting injured in them. Tomorrow, driving on the highway for 45 minutes can be considered another exposure exercise, to face my anxiety and fear of getting into a car accident. Without a doubt, I would be very worried and anxious. If there is really a car accident, then let him go.
In fact, perhaps everything that happens in our lives is, in a sense, a perfect storm. Because everything will go on and on, affecting the next thing until we reach the end of our lives. No matter what the end is, can we control what happens? Most of the time, I think we are sailing on a ship in the ocean, on a ship without a captain. This ship will sail to any place she wants to go, where there are unknown waters.
”Sometimes I feel like I’m the captain, but only at that specific moment, that’s enough. What if we feel like we have no control over anything? Should we abandon the ship and land? Maybe it shouldn’t be like this. Because if we do that, our truly meaningful lives will come to an end, and we can no longer ride this ship to reach the other shore of life. We must adapt to moving forward in turbulent waves. Give up the struggle with the ocean of life, because no matter what we do, fate will always take us to where it wants to go. We need to be prepared for such a journey because we have already embarked on it, whether we like it or not. “
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Everyone who publicly reveals their psychological state is selfless and brave
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