Obsessive compulsive disorder knows no borders and transcends different racial and cultural backgrounds. Her name is Hannah R. and she is an American patient. From Hannah’s confession, many friends with OCD can find psychological resonance.
At present, I am still in the process of recovering from generalized anxiety disorder, which is chronic and cannot be completely cured. There may also be relapses and small-scale sudden attacks. The symptoms of small-scale sudden attacks are characterized by “invasive” thoughts. These thoughts are not necessarily pathological, any normal person may have experienced invasive thoughts at some point in their life.
Invasive thoughts are basically anxious or frightening, and sometimes they drift into your brain without any specific reason. Most of the time, these ideas float in and out, and you can continue living your life with them.
For me, this type of idea doesn’t really “stick” to me most of the time. An anxious thought drifted in, I noticed it, and then I was able to observe it drifting away. But at other times, if I have those small-scale sudden, anxious or frightening thoughts, they will drag heavy footsteps in my brain and I am unwilling to leave.
This state is the type of obsessive-compulsive disorder, which I call “sticky” thoughts, and some people also call it “pure obsessive-compulsive disorder”. You feel like you’re grabbing every restless and painful thought, then throwing it to the ground, hoping to make it go away.
Earlier this year, I found myself engaged in a desperate struggle against these very ‘sticky’ ideas. At that time, I was experiencing work-related pressure that was beyond my control. I noticed that my thoughts became increasingly sticky over time, to the point where every time I walked into the kitchen, I would think, ‘There’s a knife here, what if I lose control and poke myself?’ Or, if I could still walk to the kitchen trembling and pick up the knife to cut vegetables and cook, I would immediately worry: if I don’t cut all these things quickly, I might lose control and stab myself.
One morning, while I was busy preparing my child for school and preparing a work lunch for myself, I suddenly saw the knife on the kitchen cutting board, which immediately triggered my compulsive thinking. I started to worry, thinking that I might grab that knife, lose control completely, and stab myself, and then my child would witness it all, leaving them with permanent trauma
Because this is not the first time I have suddenly experienced such obsessive-compulsive disorder, I still have a part of rationality that knows: the thought of this happening is not because I really want to stab myself, but because I am afraid – for some reason, perhaps it is the function of an irrational brain – afraid that I will lose control, afraid that in the blink of an eye, it will be like a computer crash, and then I may take action according to that terrifying thought. If I were to think about it, because I have already scared myself enough, I wouldn’t do it this way – this is the process of forcing thinking to repeat itself.
I was in such a situation at that time – standing in the kitchen, watching the blade shining in front of me, scared by my own thoughts and motionless: what if I lose control and stab myself in the stomach? What if there is blood flowing all over the ground? What if I can’t stop and go crazy?
Although these only lasted for a few minutes, those minutes were extremely dangerous, and various thoughts flooded in: I don’t want to hurt myself; But what if I can’t stop myself? Oh, you must not do this! Why do I have these ideas? Hehe, you must be crazy. You can no longer be a qualified mother.
But unlike a few years ago, now I can ‘catch’ myself, be aware of and observe what is happening. I am not entangled with this idea, nor do I want to step on it or let it go. I just took a deep breath and then took another breath, focusing on the feeling that breathing brings. In this way, I can allow a space to appear between me and those scary thoughts, where I can recall what a therapist suggested I should do at this moment: tell yourself that these thoughts scared me, of course, they scared me too much, it’s nothing, just let it be like this, don’t do anything, just breathe.
This type of self talk helped me get through the sudden onset of OCD. I didn’t run away from my thoughts or avoid them. Instead, I acknowledged them and focused on my breath, which brought me back to the present moment. When I first saw the knife, the way I automatically talked to myself was always pointing towards the future: the idea of ‘what to do if something happens’. This way of thinking certainly drives my anxiety. But when I am able to ‘grab’ myself and correct these thoughts with rational, present moment self talk, I feel less anxious and can continue cooking, and then smoothly pass the day.
In the past, I would try my best to push away or suppress all my fearful thoughts, shout at myself, hide my knife, and not use any sharp objects, including scissors. Doing so increases the power of those thoughts, but actually makes anxiety worse because I create more pain. On top of the first wave of pain, secondary pain was created.
Secondary pain occurs when you try to avoid emotional pain and push it aside, during which you actually become more uncomfortable. The video I saw while participating in psychological therapy provided the best explanation for this. For example, primary pain is like a blue pad on your thigh, while secondary pain is the accumulation of more and more pads on top of this pad.
For example, when you feel the first wave of panic attacks, ‘My heart beats faster and my whole body heats up,’ this experience is painful, equivalent to the first blue cushion.
Oh, absolutely not! “This is a purple cushion.
I will definitely die. “This is the second purple cushion.
What if I go crazy? “This is the third purple cushion.
I fainted and lost consciousness, what should I do? “This is the fourth purple cushion.
What if I do something stupid all at once? “This is the fifth purple cushion.
After stacking up all five purple mats, we were at the highest level of anxiety, even in a complete panic attack mode.
This is also where empathy and rational self dialogue can enter. Not pushing anything away, but actually facing it, I am willing to compare the thoughts in my mind to leaves drifting downstream, watching them drift by. For me, the key thing is not to spend too much time stopping here. Pay attention to them, acknowledge their existence, and then move on to the next thing.
This requires a lot of practice and practice, even if I am doing well now, there will still be times when ideas really ‘stick’ me. At that time, I would take a step back, breathe, and imagine them flowing downstream like leaves, and then continue my day